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Art of Attraction

I recently attended an Art of Attraction talk by Dominey Drew, a force of nature who describes her coaching business as: “I help single men attract a real, substantial relationship through personal and dating coaching. It's a process of self discovery and mindfulness that helps you leave the dating scene for good and attract that ideal partnership.”

Obviously I am not a single man, but Dominey still opened me up in various ways with her intimate talk, especially when she asked us to do a visualization that asked us in short to identify where our deep breathing block was, what it looked like, and why it’s there. During this exercise, I specifically saw and felt a plane of lava around my ribcage; some places where gooey and hot, others were charred and firm.

After the exercise was over, all I could think was, “WTF? My heart/soul/insides are either molten hot lava or the remains of molten hot lava?!?” That can’t be good.

Not exactly, but maybe.

The possible conclusion of this exercise for me? That I think I’m unloveable. Now, for anyone who knows me, I am a lovebug in many ways (often over-the-top ways). Yet, this jived perfectly with my results from the VIA character strengths assessment, which ranked “Love” as my 31st strength.

31st? There had to be an error in the quiz. I usually push people away because I try to love them too hard (friends, family, and partners all apply). How could love rank so low on my strengths?

Because I’ve been doing it from a place of need and in often an un-loving way. Or in desperation. Or [fill in the blank}. I wasn’t "being loving” in authentic and non-needy ways. I was (am?) constantly seeking love and therefore it can result in the opposite (people drawing away, people feeling overwhelmed by my demanding nature of wanting more more more, people not wanting to cuddle/hug/be affectionate like I sometimes force).

I realize that a lot of this “unloveable” mentality stems from my childhood, and I refuse to be a product of my past. Yes, I had to jump through hoops in many ways to earn affection and attention from my father, and so I associate “earning love” as an intense sport of sorts where I have to constantly prove my worth (or my zaniness, or my likability, or my uniqueness or my [enter other achievements/traits here]. Love has been twisted in my mind as something I have to earn by being “extra” in a myriad of ways.

But guess what? Screw that. I am fully lovable to the right people as is, just as we all are. Sure, I/we have plenty of things to work on, and I will constantly continue to work on being “the best version of me.” Because the best version of me is lovable as hell. She’s inquisitive, intuitive, smart, a connector, a believer, a cheerleader, and kind. She’s not sloppy, or needy, or lonely, because she’s her own best company. And when I practice being her, I know I will absolutely attract amazing things into my life.